How Not To Go Crazy In Quarantine And Not Fall Out With Your Partner

"I can not take it anymore!"

The content of the article

• 1 Anxiety, children, divorce
• 2 No time for criticism
• 3 Be involved
• 4 Share your thoughts on the pandemic
• 5 Bidding and Arrangements
• 6 Basic instinct
• 7 Planning
• 8 Scheduled scandals
• 9 Without witnesses
• 10 Respect Personal Boundaries
• 11 Talk about your desires
• 12 Laughter therapy

He chews too loudly. She puts food in the fridge in an absolutely idiotic way. He wastes too much soap and toilet paper. And he doesn't save food at all. And why am I the only one dealing with children ?!

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Around the world, the number of family scandals has increased, including divorce. Getting married in a pandemic and being side by side 24/7 is not a test for the faint of heart.

Anxiety, children, divorce

In self-isolation, you simply have no choice. You have to re-learn to live with each other. The good news is that you finally have the opportunity to discuss important issues concerning the two of you and your family in general. The bad news is that you don't have much time to think about it - if you don't start solving long-standing conflicts right now, there will be an explosion.

“Anxiety is rampant, and people take some of that anxiety out on top of each other,” says Julie Schwartz Gottman, co-founder of the Gottman Institute. Gottman has also written several bestselling books alongside her husband John.

“Thus, stress levels increase in unstable relationships in which partners are uncomfortable. If the couple doesn't find a way to release this tension together, the relationship will begin to fall apart."

After the epidemic in China subsided and people were able to leave their homes, a sharp increase in the number of divorces was recorded. And even now, it seems that domestic violence is not abating. On March 18, family lawyer and British MP Baroness Fiona Shackleton warned parliament that families could start falling apart during the crisis.

Children were exempted from school attendance. But no one relieved them of doing their homework. Do not forget about the financial difficulties that are hanging like a sword of Damocles over millions of people around the world. All this pushes couples to the brink of the abyss. Add to this the panic fear of people to get sick themselves or to learn about the illness of loved ones. Disputes over what self-isolation should look like, fear of the future - it's hard for people to cope with such a lump of negative emotions. In English-speaking countries such a joke appeared - “You cannot write the word“divorce”without using the word“covid”.

Even couples who were doing well in their relationships prior to the ill-fated pandemic may need help. Both during the pandemic and after it.

How to survive this difficult time with the least loss? Time spoke to three couples of marriage therapists (who are also married to each other and therefore work and live side by side) about how not to break up forever if you can't get away from each other.

No time for criticism2

Now is not the best time to point out your partner's mistakes and shortcomings. The most dangerous topic in this regard is financial. So says Ashley Willis, a specialist in family relations. She and her husband Dave host the Naked Marriage podcast.

It's so easy to start poking your finger and shouting “I told you you shouldn't have taken this job!”, But at the same time it’s better to show your partner that you appreciate everything that he does. “Thank your loved one for a delicious coffee. Even if it is the 500th cup he has prepared,”Gottman advises.

Helen Lykelly Hunt, together with her husband Harville Hendrix, created a new method of family therapy (imago therapy) and wrote the book How to Get the Love You Want. She recommends to couples this method of maintaining a relationship - every night before going to bed, tell your partner what you were grateful for today. Every day - at least three points. “If you want to get closer, forget about criticism,” says Helen.

Be involved3

It seems to you that your spouse is deliberately avoiding household chores. Although, in reality, he just might be tired or hungry. Or he was distracted by something and forgot about your assignment. Talk to your spouse rather than lashing out at him. “People talk a lot, but rarely listen to each other, especially in stressful situations,” says Harville.

Share your thoughts on the pandemic4

Your opinions may be divided. You don't have to look at this situation the same way. Instead of arguing and quarreling, try to find out why your spouse has a particular point of view. “We all take news about the virus differently. Include empathy, try to understand how your partner is feeling,”says Gottman. She and other therapists highly recommend active listening.

The main thing is not to create a conflict if your opinions differ.

Bidding and agreements5

Time for loneliness should appear on your schedule. Even if it will be half an hour a day. Agree with your partner to have someone else take over household chores or childcare. Something like barter. Find a way to take a break from each other. Burrowing into phones and sitting like that is not an option. Each of you should have a time of complete solitude, when you do not see or hear each other.

Basic Instinct6

Intimacy, as the Willis politely call it, is the key. Constantly being side by side together and high levels of stress can negatively affect your sex life. And intimacy is a great way to relax and unwind from the TV series marathon. “You still need intimacy. Primitive people figured it out, so you can,”says Dave Willis.

Planning7

Due to pneumonia and asthma, John Gottman practically does not leave his home located on Orcas Island in Washington state. His wife Julia goes to the shops. The Gottmans recommend every Sunday to draw up a schedule that lays down the responsibilities of each spouse.

The Willis couple have four children between the ages of 5 and 15. Now all of them are exempt from classes and are at home in Texas. “Homeschooling is very difficult for people,” says Ashley Willis. She worked as a teacher, but her husband Dave has to engage in activities that are unusual for him. “We all have to do things now that we haven't done before,” says Dave.

Scheduled scandals8

When a conflict picks up steam, it's worth taking a breather. But no more than 24 hours. “One of you calls a time out and you agree at what time you will return to this conversation,” explains Julie. During the respite, do something that calms you down. At the appointed time, you calm down and return to the discussion.

Without witnesses9

Your kids don't want to see their parents fight. Willis usually go for a walk or give their children an unusual task - to photograph all the items on the list. “The best thing for us is communication during a walk. Walking side by side makes it easier for people to open up,”says Ashley.

Sometimes the Gottmans sit right on the bathroom floor, where the children cannot hear them, and discuss the conflict.

Respect Personal Boundaries10

Even if it seems that your partner is not busy with anything right now, this does not mean that he is ready to communicate with you or listen to your demands. Harville suggests first asking your partner if you can disturb him.

“She can tell me, for example, that now she is busy, and in ten minutes she will be free,” Harville says of his wife.

It is very important not to violate a person's personal boundaries. Moreover, in the current conditions.

Talk about your desires11

Your partner is probably an excellent person. But he absolutely cannot read your mind. Talk about your desires. Instead of "When will you start helping me around the house?" say "I would like you to take care of dinner, for example every other day."

“We worked with a huge number of couples. And if you ask them what they want, they cannot answer. Men are used to suppressing their feelings - they are brought up that way. Women are used to taking care of everyone except themselves. But the point is, you don't get what you want if you don't say it directly,”Helen says.

Now everything is changing so quickly that it is difficult to keep track of what is happening. Therefore, talk to each other about your desires. Politely.

Laughter therapy12

And if nothing works at all, include a sense of humor. If you learn to laugh at the situation and at yourself, you can handle any problem.