Table of contents:
- Straight Talki
- Partner needs2
- What about you? 3
- Why do you need this? 4
- What is marriage? 5
- Revaluation of values6
- What's behind it all? 8
This is familiar to many - you find each other, fall in love, meet. And everything seems to be fine, your relationship is developing. But then it turns out that one of you wants to legalize the relationship, and the second is not at all ready for this. What to do in such a situation?
The content of the article
- 1 Straight Talk
- 2 Partner needs
- 3 What about you?
- 4 Why do you need this?
- 5 What is marriage?
- 6 Revaluation of values
- 7 Therapy
- 8 What is behind all this?
Let's start with the fact that unpreparedness for marriage can be different. Someone, having decided to talk to a partner about marriage, understands that he has a positive attitude towards marriage, but is not yet ripe for such a serious step. But for some, a heart-to-heart conversation with a loved one may even shock at all - it turns out that the partner, in principle, does not see the point in marriage. Or you both want a wedding, but your ideas about the perfect marriage and the perfect wedding are completely opposite.
Below you will find advice from a group of excellent experts who know more about the issue than you or your partner. Please read these guidelines carefully. Perhaps they will save your relationship.
"Communication can clarify any situation, even the most confusing," says clinical hypnotherapist, author and educator Rachel Astar. “Discuss with your partner how he feels about the legal side of marriage. Of course, marriage is to some extent more of a business agreement than an act of celebrating love and light feelings,”Rachel admits.
If your partner has a positive attitude towards a serious and long-term relationship, but does not digest the legal side of marriage, discuss this issue with him.
“Rituals like marriage are an integral part of human relationships. They make the ephemeral and astral aspects of love more tangible and mundane. We can say that you get married in two worlds at once,”Astar explains. Perhaps you can find another way for yourself to confirm your relationship without getting officially married.
“Perhaps your partner needs to formalize your relationship. Either way, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk without judgment. In this case, you will find a compromise. You have to find a solution that suits both of you,”says Rachel.
And if your partner isn't in the mood for marriage anytime soon, understand and accept that. This is the advice of Zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michelle Paiva. This can be painful for you, but you need to acknowledge your partner's right to think and feel their own way without making a fuss.
If your partner is willing to talk to you frankly, appreciate it. Listen to him. Not everyone decides on such honesty.
“If you feel like you need a marriage, ask yourself the question, 'Do I need this person, or do I just like the idea of getting married?'” Says Michelle. If you demand a wedding, despite the fact that your partner is against it, and the very fact of marriage is more important to you than a relationship, then the answer is obvious. If you are ready to part ways with this person and go in search of a partner who shares your point of view, do so. There is no need to vegetate in anticipation. "Everything is good. A happy marriage is not built on a sense of duty or guilt,”says Michel.
And if your relationship with this person is dear to you, and you are ready to give up marriage, great. The main thing is to get rid of illusions and hopes that a person will change.
What about you? 3
“Why do you want marriage so much? Why does your partner want (or not want) this?”Asks Janet Zinn, a family therapist in New York.
“It often happens that you want the same things, but in different packaging. Often we marry only because society requires it from us, and we ourselves do not think about what we need. Some couples want strong and long-term relationships, but marriage seems to them something impersonal and fake. However, you need to talk to your partner and discuss different points of view.
It's important to get a deeper understanding of what marriage means to both of you. If you do this, your relationship will take to the next level. And you get to know yourself better,”explains Zinn.
Why do you need this? 4
“I think, first of all, you need to ask yourself why you want to get married so much,” says psychologist Nicole Martinez.
“Let's forget about the ceremony and paper sheets. Are you happy as a couple, want to be together and see no reason to break up? Perhaps the idea of marriage was imposed on you by society or family members, but in fact all this is not so important to you? In other words, if you are ready to break off a great relationship just because of this conflict, be sure - you really want to get married.
If you have a happy relationship, love and trust, is it worth giving up all this for the sake of officially legalizing marriage? Hardly. But if your relationship leaves much to be desired, it is worth thinking about it,”says Martinez.
What is marriage? 5
“Talk about what marriage means to both of you. Marriage is not just a declaration of love in front of a crowd of people,”says Cali Rogers.
It may turn out that you look at marriage in a completely different way from your other half.
For some, marriage is a confirmation of financial well-being. Others take it as a springboard before starting a family life. People have different values and expectations, so you need to be honest. This conversation can clarify a lot - for both you and your partner.
Revaluation of values6
“If you and your partner no longer have the same relationship goals, it's time to reassess your values,” says April Masini, a coach and author in New York.
“It often happens that you have been pursuing some goal since childhood, forgetting to analyze it from time to time. Life flows and changes, and some goals become irrelevant,”reminds April.
If you have dreamed of a beautiful ceremony since childhood, and your partner is against marriage, it's time to stop and decide how important the wedding is to you at this stage of your life.
“Anything happens in life. Desires change, someone dies, someone gets fired, and someone gets into an accident - life has many ways in which it can disrupt all of our plans. If you want to get married, and your loved one is against, it's time to take a break and reflect on your desires and goals.
You may want to leave this relationship and find someone who suits you best. Or you will realize that you need this particular person, and you can refuse the idea of marriage,”explains April.
“See a therapist to see if your relationship is worth saving,” suggests psychologist Jennifer Rhodes.
“It's wise to research marriage early on, but even if you're already in the midst of conflict, consulting a professional can help you find a solution that will satisfy both of you.”
What's behind it all? 8
“The fear of commitment is the fear of loss. When we sign up for some kind of commitment, we understand in advance that there is a risk of failure. People who have been rejected once may try to defend themselves in this way - by turning off commitments. In fact, it does not save them from anything. They deprive themselves of the opportunity to enjoy the relationship. Some people say they don't want to get married because the relationship is "imperfect" - in fact, there is again a fear of responsibility.
The only way to force such a partner to change his attitude towards marriage is to leave. As long as he or she has the opportunity to be with you, they have no motivation to agree to a marriage. Of course, there are certain risks - a partner may remain unconvinced even after parting. But the fact remains - your partner just doesn't love you enough to take responsibility for this relationship. So it's worth looking for someone else,”says Tina Tessina, psychotherapist and writer.
Ultimately, experts agree that it is very important to learn to be honest with yourself. If you lie to yourself, you will not see happiness - neither in marriage, nor without it.