Table of contents:
- What do men think about this problem? I
- How do women see this problem?
- The main mistakes of women3
- The main mistakes of men4
- And don't forget, children themselves suffer the most
Video: Children From First Marriage: How To Build Relationships With Other People's Children?
This is a challenge many people face. It is already difficult for a man to build a relationship with a woman who was previously married, and the woman will ask questions about what exactly went wrong in the relationship of her new chosen one, since he divorced his ex.
The content of the article
- 1 What do men think about this problem?
- 2 How do women see this problem?
- 3 The main mistakes of women
- 4 The main mistakes of men
- 5 And don't forget, children themselves suffer the most!
But things get much more complicated if your new partner has children from their first marriage. It's one thing to build a relationship with a loved one, quite another - with his or her child, who is unlikely to accept you with open arms, and you are unlikely to want to share the responsibility for someone else's child. How to be? We are unlikely to be able to give an exhaustive answer to such a complex and multifaceted question, but at least we will try to understand the most common problems and misconceptions.
The main point of our article will be that problems need to be solved before they arise. The claim seems controversial, but psychologists are confident that this will be the best solution, and they have every reason to believe so. It must be said that men and women perceive the presence of children from their first marriage in different ways, and therefore we will try to consider the situation from both sides.
What do men think about this problem? I
Numerous men's communities and magazines advise in every possible way to avoid relationships with women who have children from another man. "Divorce with a trailer" is another of the most "affectionate" epithets used to address single mothers in search of new relationships. And women will rush to angrily take offense at such phrases, instead of understanding the situation and trying to see the problem through the eyes of a man. And the problem exists here.
Despite the fact that the legislation enshrines equal rights between men and women in relation to joint children, in fact we do not observe this equality. In the overwhelming majority of cases, children after a divorce remain with their mother, and the father often receives numerous restrictions in rights regarding children and a sea of financial obligations to … no, not to the children, but to their sometimes hated mother. If we take the statistics of court proceedings in family matters, we will see that men are trying to fight for the right to see children seized from them more often, and women are suffering and are suing child support defaulters. Here is such "equality".
It is not surprising that because of this structure in relations with a woman who has children from her first marriage, men first of all see a financial burden, and the main goal of women discussing the children of their new husband from a previous marriage in women's forums is to limit it. communication with them and the desire to reduce it to zero.
At the same time, women, as a rule, do not see anything special in the fact that a man will take on financial obligations for someone else's child, because “a real man should …” and “it was not he who took me with the child, but I deigned him to join our a child's family. " Alas, such a "policy" does not lead to anything good, and smart men run away from such women like from fire. So if you, being a man, find out that your new chosen one carefully concealed from you that she has children from her first marriage, and now she is trying to "oblige" you to love them, think about whether you need such a relationship at all? Maybe you're just being used.
How do women see this problem?
Women's jealousy of other people's children is fully justified. Fairy tales depict insidious and cruel stepmothers for us who hate the children of their new husband from their previous wife and try to get rid of them, but recalling at least one fairy tale that would reveal the feelings of a woman who finds herself in the position of such a stepmother does not work.
A man "by default" believes that his new wife should not interfere with his relationship with children, and sometimes he is even sure that she should take on the responsibilities of a mother towards them. That's just to develop attachment to someone else's child for a woman is a very difficult and sometimes unrealizable process, especially when the child is not very happy with someone else's aunt, who for some reason now needs to be called a mother. So the back story of the "evil stepmother" may well turn out to be sad and tragic, but men are unlikely to understand this.
As for women … Again, think about whether you are ready to build a relationship with a man, knowing that in his life there are children from his first marriage, he will regularly see them and their problems will somehow fall on you. And if the children live with him, everything will be much more complicated. It may not be too late to change your mind. And if you decide to start it is worth learning about how to build a relationship with a man and his children.
Who suffers more in such a situation - women or men? We have an unambiguous and honest answer to this seemingly difficult question. The child always suffers the most in this situation. And the adults fixated on themselves and their problems, busy sorting out relationships and proving their own innocence, forget about it regardless of gender.
We will pause here. The rest of the article will not be of interest either to men who fundamentally do not build relationships with women with children from their first marriage, or to women who do not allow their chosen one to have children from another. If this is about you, know that we respect your decision and it is your full right. But at this place we will say goodbye to you and wish you happiness on the path that you have chosen for yourself.
The main mistakes of women3
Let's start with the fair sex, and get to the strong one later. No, we are not afraid of the anger of feminists, because they left us higher. How often women show nobility and say that they do not at all object to the communication of a husband with his children from his first marriage, that he is their father and the fact that he takes care of his children only characterizes him from the best side.
Alas, in most cases this statement works only in theory, but in practice, at first it seems to a woman that her husband devotes more time to his children than to her, and then financial assistance to children becomes a blow to the family budget, and now a problem arises between you. But after hearing your noble words, the husband was glad for a long time that he had such a wonderful new wife and decided that the issue was closed once and for all. Yes, men think that way, and any return to this topic will cause him a natural negative, because from his point of view, your words are at odds with the actions, and this is pure truth.
Psychologists always suggest that you first understand yourself, and then look for external problems. This means that if earlier you did not mind the communication of your husband with his children, but now it seems to you that the weekends he spent with the children, and not with you, alienate you from each other, there is only one reason for this, and it is inside you, even if you you don't recognize it. Her name is jealousy. The more time he spends with them, the less he will spend with you, and you are already ready to "fight" for every minute.
If the husband often communicates with his ex-wife because of the children, jealousy will increase. You have already found the strength to forgive the presence of children in his life (although he does not need your forgiveness!), But not the constant presence of his ex, who at any moment can tear you apart from each other with her inappropriate call. And then there is constant spending on other people's children, when your refrigerator breaks down, then your grandmother urgently needs medicine, then summer vacation is coming soon … The situation is heating up more and more, and sooner or later it will explode.
How to be? There is only one way out - to have a heart-to-heart talk with her husband. You are one family, and his plans for further communication with children concern you no less than him. How much of your budget does he plan to spend on children? What weekend will he spend with them, and what will he spend with you? Is he going to go with them on the next vacation? You should plan these things together, and after making compromise decisions, follow them to the end.
As for your jealousy, remember that your husband and his ex-wife are divorced. Their relationship ended, and there were serious reasons for that, since even joint children did not become an obstacle to divorce. So the reasons for jealousy are drawn only by your imagination, not reality. Remember that the best relationship is built on trust, and trust it.
The idea that if you give your husband a new child, he will forget about the existing children from the first marriage, is fundamentally wrong. Moreover, it is destructive if you become pregnant against his will and will only create for you a sea of new reasons for conflict. If your husband strongly supports the idea of becoming a father again, go for it, but forget about pierced condoms and other female tricks right away.
The main mistakes of men4
Do you think that after you have entered her life, you will be in the first place in her? Alas, this is not the case. The first place for a woman will always be her child, and since you have not interrupted reading earlier, you will have to come to terms with it. You cannot change this, and any attempts to put pressure on your wife will end in disaster for your relationship. Having shown understanding and care, you will soon find yourself "on the same line" with the woman and her child.
It is important to understand that all the attention of the mother after the divorce was focused on the child. Now the child sees that he has to share this attention with some stranger uncle, and takes it with hostility. Even for an adult it is difficult to get rid of jealousy, for a child it is impossible at all. And you do not need to think that since you have become the head of the family, now you have unquestioning authority and power, this is not so. In the eyes of the child, you have neither authority nor power, especially if he maintains a good relationship with his father. Attempts to break his will and rebuild for himself will lead to numerous conflicts that will destroy your family relationships. Be patient.
The other extreme is an attempt to abruptly break into the child's zone of trust. Do not forget that after the divorce of his parents, he has already experienced a shock that will affect his whole life. It will be difficult to convince him to call you, a stranger and a stranger, dad right now and to perceive accordingly. The correct decision is to make friends with the child, to become an older friend for him who can be trusted. His toy is broken, he is looking for a company to play with the console, you have the opportunity to take your child fishing - use it. Having established a trusting relationship with your child, you will soon notice that even in conflicts with the mother, he will begin to take your side. However, it is better that there are no conflicts at all, which is what we wish you!
And don't forget, children themselves suffer the most
The child is completely defenseless against the circumstances in which his mom and dad are no longer together. He wants to restore the family, return and unite both parents and live as before, and does not understand why this happened and why he is not able to change something. The little man's world is crumbling, and soon someone outsider invades him. And this outsider is you.
Nobody forces you to love someone else's child, you won't be cute anyway. But the best thing you can do is treat him like a person. He is still a small, helpless and dependent, but still an ordinary person. Having met him, having learned about his hobbies and interests, having shown curiosity about what he does, you will gradually break down the wall of rejection and stop being a stranger to him. In fact, this is already enough to avoid most of the problems in your situation.
There are many happy married couples in which there are children from their first marriage, and they do not call their own mother's new husband "dad" or their father's next darling "mom". They remember who their real parents are, and maintain a relationship with both, learning a hard, but still important life lesson: people do not always live happily ever after until death do them part. Faced with the first unhappy love and parting, they endure it much easier, because in part they are already mentally prepared for this shock.
Within the framework of such a short article, it is impossible to analyze all difficult situations and find answers to all the questions that they raise. Sometimes there is no universal solution at all, and you have to find your own answer. Let's hope that our article will help you at least in part.