Table of contents:
- It would be something to confess i
- "Influence of a bedside lamp on human libido" 2
- About boys, girls and cheating3
- Shut up, don't say anything4
- Think a hundred times - say once 5
- What can you do to make things look less scary?
Video: Do I Need To Admit To Treason? Psychologists' Answers
The most unpleasant thing that can happen in a relationship is when a third person appears, claiming the attention and love of one of the couple. Sometimes this "third" does not pretend to anything, but temporarily acts as a lover (mistress), vests for bitter tears and a consultant on family issues in one person.
The content of the article
- 1 It would be something to confess
- 2 "Influence of a bedside lamp on human libido"
- 3 About boys, girls and infidelity
- 4 Shut up, don't say anything
- 5 Think a hundred times - say once
- 6 What can you do to make things look less scary?
It is not so important how far the relationship went, whether it was a one-time action or a systematic "trip to the left." Another thing is important: sooner or later a moment may arise when the question of how to admit to treason and whether it is worth doing it may become the most important in life.
It would be something to confess i
Man is a mysterious creature, and even in matters of love relationships and sex, he is capable of amazing things. For example, even in the understanding of what can be considered a betrayal of opinion, they can diverge and change under the influence of circumstances.
It's a paradox, but even now, in times of fairly free morals, there are people who, even thinking of a sexual nature about something else, can equate with treason. It's not worth talking about views on the side and "innocent" correspondence on social networks with intimate details - this is generally equated to an orgy and is punished accordingly.
At the same time, there are absolutely amazing characters who do not consider sex to be cheating, especially if they were not drawn into the process by their souls. How this is technically possible, they cannot explain, but in their souls they were with the one they are cheating on - they are religiously sure of this. There are even more funny personalities who are convinced: if sex was in a condom or all contacts were limited only to oral sex, then this does not count as sex either.
Between the two extremes, there are a myriad of views on what counts as adultery. In general, everyone determines for himself whether there was a betrayal or only it seemed. Therefore, you should not be indignant if the angry second half is ready to kill for a message to a colleague with a "kiss" emoticon. Perhaps, from the point of view of half, the betrayal has already taken place after the message has been sent or will be after the addressee reads it.
"Influence of a bedside lamp on human libido" 2
“- Tell me honestly, have you ever cheated on me?
- Yes, here the day before yesterday with the secretary.
- And she at the same second figak on the head with a lamp. And he is like that, all in fragments: "Why, we agreed." Well, then it turns out that, firstly, they did not agree that after this truth she does not hit him on the head with a lamp, and, secondly, this question is asked with the sole purpose of hearing the answer "no", and it does not matter is it true or not."
(from the movie "What Men Talk About")
Maybe there are such couples in the world for whom sex is only sex and it has nothing to do with the feelings and spiritual relationships of two people. Maybe someday such a relationship will become the norm.
Until this happens, we have to admit: love is a possessive feeling and does not tolerate a third in a relationship, unless it is a relationship between children and parents. In all other cases, disappointment, crisis and destruction of the triangle are guaranteed.
There are quite a few examples of well-known triangles, take at least the "trio" Mayakovsky - Lilia Brik - Osip Brik or Alexander Blok - Lyubov Mendeleeva - Andrey Bely, no less famous in the literary environment. There are examples of more modern relationships and even entire ideological movements that preached free love (hippie culture, for example). All of these relationships failed and often led to misfortune and even tragedy. Therefore, if there is an agreement on free relations in a couple, it is better not to use it, or at least not to advertise the relationship on the side.
About boys, girls and cheating3
When serious psychologists begin a conversation on the topic "is it worth confessing to treason" invariably the question arises of the different reasons for infidelity in men and women. From these differences, they try to figure out how representatives of each sex react to cheating.
It is generally accepted that men cheat more often and "just like that", while women rarely and only for serious reasons. Perhaps the roots of this delusion lie in childhood. Boys are more likely to misbehave and study poorly, girls are more diligent and usually give parents and teachers less trouble.
But for some reason it is forgotten that girls are better able to hide their misdeeds, especially those that are not expected of them. Girls continue to shamelessly use this feature as adults. Therefore, one cannot assume that women cheat less often.
Moreover, there are no official statistics. And who is recognized? A man walking on the side is considered a macho and a real male, and a woman is not looked at very well and is awarded with a bunch of unflattering epithets. Therefore, it is better to assume by default that women are not far behind men in this matter.
It's not worth talking about gender differences in the reasons that lead to cheating. Because they are not. Someone cheats out of boredom, someone out of revenge, someone out of great love. There are no gender differences in the reasons for treason.
Another common misconception is that women are more sensitive to a man's emotional attachment to his mistress, and men are more worried about physical intimacy. If this statement were true, women would have believed that their husband's soul was with them. If he did not send tender SMS to his rival, did not give flowers and was not interested in her life, then there seemed to be no betrayal.
The same is true for men. If a woman has not been replaced by sex, but at the same time there was petting and passionate kisses in the moonlight, then she seems to be true. Both examples in real life would have serious consequences. Therefore, the difference between the perception of betrayal and the reaction is not hers is in the field of personal beliefs, education and tradition. Little depends on gender in this matter.
In the piggy bank of misconceptions about gender differences, you can add a reaction to the news of treason. It is believed that husbands react more sharply to such news. In a state of passion, they quickly turn into an enraged Hulk and begin to wreak havoc and destruction around. Women usually make a scandal, although they can also crack an unfaithful man with something heavy. The only difference is in physical capabilities. Men break furniture more often, women break their brains. Everyone uses the tool that is easier for him to get to.
Therefore, you need to understand that betrayal for a person can be very painful and unpleasant, regardless of gender, and not look for universal scenarios to resolve this conflict.
Shut up, don't say anything4
There are not so many reasons why there may be a desire or need to talk about treason:
Pangs of conscience. There are people who simply cannot be trusted with their secrets and those of others. They cannot keep anything to themselves and will certainly strive to tell the whole truth to others. This is one of the manifestations of the immaturity of the personality and only says that they cannot take responsibility for their actions and decision-making
Responsibility for a committed act is a heavy burden and not every person can bear it. In order to take off this burden from oneself and shift it onto other people's shoulders, it is enough to frankly confess. Well, and the desire to look almost a hero, at least in their own eyes, because not everyone is so honest and truthful
The cheated partner feels that something is wrong. Because of this, he digs the ground, reads correspondence on social networks, hires a private detective. To whitewash his own appearance, the unfaithful man hastens to confess to treason, until he was poked with hot evidence
- Everything became known, it makes no sense to deny.
- Relationships are bored, and cheating is a good reason to stop everything.
- "So that he loved and appreciated, and always gave flowers" or "She poured borscht thicker, let go fishing." In other words, to make your partner understand how wonderful and relevant he or she is.
The only case when you can confess to treason is when there is no point in denying any further. Although, for example, there is such an opinion: “Even if your wife found you in bed with another, do not confess. Why naked? Walked out of the bathroom, washed. Why is this woman here? Went in for tea, hot, undressed. Lie what you want, but do not confess to treason, because in fact no one can forgive”(L. Zorin).
In any case, as long as there is at least some chance of avoiding a frank conversation, you can and should hide, lie and get out. Of course, many parents taught in childhood to tell the truth, but apparently forgot to say that cheating is also not good.
If you are tormented by pangs of conscience and you want to get rid of them, you can tell a teddy bear, your beloved cat or a tree in the park about treason in secret. It is better not to inform your friends, girlfriends and personal diary about the fact of adultery. Folk wisdom says: "One knows - one knows, two if they are, they know half the world, three know - the whole world knows." Therefore, you cannot tell a secret to someone who, willingly or unwillingly, can tell about what happened.
Whatever the reasons why confession of treason seems inevitable, before opening your mouth and relieving your conscience, you need to seriously think.
Think a hundred times - say once 5
It is important to understand how dear a permanent relationship and a person who has been cheated on. Of course, a couple has periods of crises, misunderstandings, conflicts. Even if the betrayal occurred at this time, this is not a reason to end the relationship. Therefore, if a person is dear, and the relationship wants to continue, you need to hide the fact of treason. By all means. If your partner suspects something, come up with a plausible excuse. If the evidence is circumstantial, deny everything. If caught red-handed - confess, repent and pray for forgiveness.
Even if the relationship has come to naught and you want to use the betrayal as an excuse to leave, it is better not to do this. The very fact of betrayal is a very painful blow to self-esteem and state of mind, and if you add a break in relations to it, then depression is guaranteed. Does a person who was close and deserving of such an attitude deserve? This question needs to be pondered before telling the truth.
When it has already come to recognition, you need to try to soften the blow. Even if cheating was a response to a partner's infidelity. The very fact of betrayal is a very strong blow and there is no need to show unnecessary cruelty.
What can you do to make things look less scary?
Firstly, it is important not to go around the bush, bringing the partner to a heart attack with innuendo. Talking directly without preparation at the most unexpected moment is also not worth it: “Today my mother called and said that she would come to pick up the children, the vouchers went up, but we fit into the budget and I cheated on you with your friend Borey”. It is better to prepare your speech in advance and try to rehearse it as the speakers do before speaking. Otherwise, at the most important moment, you can get excited so that two words will not work.
Secondly, there is no need to savor the details and describe in detail when, how and how many times. The fact itself is enough. Even if the partner begins to insist on details and details, there is no need to tell them.
Thirdly, the message about the betrayal will still hurt, no matter how sincerely repentance is portrayed and how deeply the betrayal has penetrated into the soul and relationships. Even if the betrayal was one-time, accidental and did not have any continuation, the story about it will make a random episode a whole event.
It is important to choose the right place and time for a frank conversation. You should not start the explanation while in the transport, especially if the one to whom the soul is poured out is sitting behind the wheel. Don't choose too noisy and busy places. It is better to organize everything in a calm home environment or, if the partner is prone to uncontrollable outbursts of anger, where you can ask other people for help (square, park, small coffee shop on the street, etc.).
You also need to prepare for a conversation at home. Remove all sharp, heavy objects and secure an escape route. If it seems that nothing unexpected can be expected from a person, you can be very surprised and seriously suffer. In a state of passion, a person is capable of unthinkable actions and completely ugly actions. Therefore, before you start to relieve your conscience, you should think about your own safety and remove children, elderly parents, pets and your favorite ficus in a tub from the possible radius of damage.