You Were Denied A Relationship And Love: A Sexologist Told What To Do

2023 Author: Miles Ford | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-06-06 16:51

Rejection by members of the opposite sex is a problem for many. The grievances caused by rejection can gradually turn into deep psychological trauma.

The content of the article

• 1 Common problem
• 2 Difficulties in terminology
• 3 The problem of cognitive distortion
• 4 Overcome the effects of cognitive biases
• 5 Realize your own uniqueness and originality
• 6 Remember that refusal is not your fault
• 7 Refusal does not identify you

Common problem i

“I've seen a lot of men and women suffering in vain because of rejection,” says sexologist Jeremy Nicholson. “They were all good people. But the misconceptions they had about rejections put them in a state of deep stress."

Jeremy goes on to talk about what these beliefs are and how you can mitigate the unpleasant experiences of rejection.

Difficulties in terminology2

“First of all, I would like to draw your attention to the fact that in our speech the very problem of rejection is posed incorrectly. Usually they say: "He refused her (she refused him)." It sounds as if the person himself is to blame for somehow provoking a similar attitude towards himself. As if our hero had a certain deficit, which led to a refusal on the part of such a perfect woman (ideal man)."

“But in fact this is not true. People don't meet for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they just feel bad; or they are already burdened by the bond of relationship. It also happens that a guy or a girl is simply unable to discern your advantages, and it is quite possible that in the future this person will bite his elbows while looking at you. However, our speech puts labels on the one who has been abandoned - which leads to unpleasant experiences."

The problem of cognitive distortion3

Much of the attitude towards rejection is based on such a psychological phenomenon as cognitive distortion. The term belongs to the cognitive-behavioral direction of psychotherapy, and was first described by researcher Aaron Beck in 1995. "Cognitive biases are imprecise assumptions about the world," explains Jeremy. "They lead to the fact that a person experiences anxiety, depression, negative feelings in relation to himself."

A variety of cognitive biases are at work when applied to the rejection situation. It:

• Personalization. Taking on blame or responsibility for an external event that was beyond the control of the individual.
• Over-generalization. This includes thinking like "all or nothing", "I always …", "this happens wherever …" and so on.
• Marking. A person puts some negative label on themselves or on another after some unpleasant experience has taken place.

Overcome the Effects of Cognitive Bias4

“There is a choice in dating,” Nicholson explains. “We choose not only us, but us as well. Regardless of the reasons for rejection, this is often unpleasant for a person. However, negative emotions can be further exacerbated by the presence of cognitive biases. If you correct them, then you can easily get rid of most of the unpleasant experiences. Nicholson goes on to explain how this can be done.

Realize your own uniqueness and originality5

“Even if one person or several do not accept you, this does not mean that there are some flaws in your character. In this case, you cannot succumb to the cognitive distortion "I always get rejections" or, for example, "I will never find a girlfriend." Every new acquaintance and every new chance are different from each other. What turned out to be right for one person may not be right for all - remember this."

Remember that refusal is not your fault6

“Try not to overdo it in taking full responsibility. There are many reasons why a certain person may not be completely interested in a relationship,”explains Jeremy.

“This is even more true if a new acquaintance is trying to shame or offend you. In such cases, there are clearly personal psychological problems of your counterpart. You certainly are not responsible for them."

Refusal does not identify you 7

"Rejection by a sultry beauty or a narcissistic status man does not yet speak of your shortcomings," Nicholson recommends partingly. “You cannot be rejected just for the reason that this person cannot know you as a person. He does not know the whole story of your life, all the traits of your character. And those people who practically don't know you shouldn't influence your self-perception too much. Neither a thirty-second chat on a dating site, nor even a few dates give another person the right to judge you."

It is much more appropriate, says Jeremy, in this case to formulate the judgment a little differently: "This man rejected my offer." "Such a phrase will be more accurate and convenient," explains the sexologist. "So you don't have to take full responsibility for someone else's choice and engage in unnecessary self-flagellation."