Table of contents:
- Make the final decision i
- Willingness to Divorce: Self-Test Questions2
- How to divorce your husband painlessly? Some practical tips 3
- How to quickly normalize the psycho-emotional state4
- "I am free, like a bird in the sky …". What next? 5
- To change yourself means to change your future6
Video: How To Divorce Your Husband And Avoid Mistakes: 10 Practical Tips
So, you firmly decided that this is enough to endure - it's time to get divorced. Or is it not? And your decision is not so straightforward? And if so, how to do it? Sometimes a marriage is a real dilemma - a real sword of Damocles that can hang over your head for years. Sometimes a divorce turns into a real melting pot, in which all life values are burned: health, finances, good social connections. How to get a divorce with minimal losses? Today our conversation will be about this.
The content of the article
- 1 Make the final decision
- 2 Willingness to Divorce: Self-Test Questions
- 3 How painless to divorce your husband? Some practical tips
- 4 How to quickly normalize the psycho-emotional state
- 5 "I am free, like a bird in the sky …". What next?
- 6 To change yourself means to change your future
Make the final decision i
The first problem for many of those who are dissatisfied with their current relationship is the fluidity of perception. Today it seems that things are going very badly, and you can't stay with this idiot for a minute; the next day, the situation seems less tragic and even promising for improvement.
Many people don't even think about how to properly prepare for a divorce. People feel that the sooner they get out of the stressful situation - that is, they end their marriage - the better for them. Especially if this opinion is encouraged by relatives or friends. Unfortunately, in many cases, the opposite happens. Couples making hasty decisions don't have time to sort out their feelings and consider their options. As a result, their life after the divorce is emotionally transformed into a nightmare roller coaster. Instead of improving the situation, they simply trade one set of problems for another.
Willingness to Divorce: Self-Test Questions2
When answering the following questions, be as honest with yourself as possible:
Do you still have feelings for him?
Many beat themselves in the chest, claiming that they are ready for a divorce. But what they really need is not a divorce, but a professional psychotherapist. Since both partners in marriage have strong affection for each other, while facing difficulties in the relationship - for the solution of which divorce is not necessary. After the breakup, they feel much worse over the loss of their partner.
Were you really husband and wife?
Sometimes it happens that marriage, in fact, does not exist as such. People can raise children and live under one roof. However, their relationship leaves much to be desired - there is no true "we", each has its own life. In this case, divorce is likely to be the best solution.
Are you really ready for a divorce, or just want to shake his nerves a little?
Classics of the genre: spouses threaten each other with separation in family conflicts. The reasons are usually feelings of anger or frustration, a desire to gain power, or to get him to make any changes in the partner's behavior.
What are your true intentions?
Any desire other than the dissolution of the marriage indicates an unwillingness to divorce. You can hope that after parting, he will change, stop drinking, smoking, give a bouquet of roses every day and get the moon from the sky. But all this is not a suitable motivation. The only possible purpose of divorce is to end the marriage and make room for the new person.
Can you realistically deal with the consequences?
Remember that dissolution of a marriage always brings about change. Do you have enough resources to cope with the changes in your life? Will there be enough money? Do you have a roof over your head? Will you be able to control your emotions, or will you plunge into the abyss of deep depression? When deciding to divorce, in many ways you need to remain pragmatic and not commit rash acts.
How to divorce your husband painlessly? Some practical tips 3
So, the final decision has been made, and you have already planned what, when and how: what you will say to your husband, when you organize all the details and how the divorce will take place. At this stage, the following advice from psychologists may be helpful:
Do not conflict. Yes, you can break a lot of firewood on emotions. And then regret it. So if you have a choice - to quarrel or not, hold back with all your might and try not to expose yourself from an unworthy side. After all, a divorce can be accompanied by scandals, trips to court, the intervention of relatives. It is much better to resolve everything amicably
- Try to negotiate everything without involving third parties. If we are talking about who the children will stay with, how an apartment, a car or a common business will be sawn, it is better to come to an agreement with each other without interfering with other people.
- If an agreement does not work out, seek professional help. Here you may need a whole range of specialists: these are lawyers, psychotherapists, perhaps even accountants. Analyze your needs, study the market of specialists in this field and turn to the best.
- If you have to go to court, do not expect justice from the servants of the law. The job of a judge is to follow the prescribed legislation, and it is unlikely that any moral and ethical justice will be achieved. No matter how idiot your ex-husband is, we guarantee that the judges won't care. Do not waste time trying to prove your case; you better leave this concern to your lawyer.
- Put children first. Everyone talks about it, but few do it. Be one of those who are called a good mother - make it better for the child, even if the decision hurts you.
- Remember that the more your divorce resembles World War III, the less likely you are to remain good parents. If everything is not settled peacefully now, in a few years it will be very difficult to be around during the graduation of your son or daughter. Or, for example, at their wedding.
- Get ready for a long process. Divorce is not a sprint, but a marathon. No matter how much we would like this process to end faster, in 99% of cases it is not necessary to wait. Don't worry too much; just try to go with the flow, in a sense letting go of the reins.
- Prepare a speech in advance for others. It will be difficult to report your divorce to friends and family. Telling colleagues about this is painful. So think in advance about what exactly you will answer the questions "How are you?", "How is Innokenty doing?" or "What's New".
- Be prepared to lose some of your friends. Yes, it's awful. Yes, it's not fair. But some people will avoid you like the plague - as if the same bell is ringing around your neck. Others will get lost in your presence, not knowing what to say; or speak outright nonsense. In any case, after the divorce, you can definitely find out who is who.
- Take care of memorable and valuable things. You don't need to love your ex. And many recommend getting rid of everything that reminds you of the past as soon as possible. However, some things may actually be valuable. For example, photographs of mothers-in-law who are no longer alive. Maybe you want to show this photo to your child many years later. Or, for example, a ring that your ex-husband gave you during your very first trip to your beloved country. You don't need to destroy everything left and right. Just isolate these things for a while; forget about them for now. Over the years, you will look at all these objects from the past much more calmly.
How to quickly normalize the psycho-emotional state4
This is one of the most important aspects. After a divorce, a woman feels overwhelmed, unattractive; persistent depression may occur, psychosomatic illnesses may intensify. To prevent this from happening, follow these helpful guidelines:
- Believe in the best and try to worry as little as possible. Yes, this life span is very difficult. But it will be over soon. You will definitely stand up and find your love. The important thing is that we can never return the time spent on experiences, suffering, pain. And in some cases, we can talk about the loss of health. Therefore, remember: divorce is a period when you need to be as concentrated and collected as possible. No matter how hard it is, focus on the positive, and then divorce will not be the end of life, but a rebirth to new happiness.
- Try to change your place of residence. The house or apartment where you were together will always remind you of the past. It can be hard for you to leave these walls now. But the time of living together is over. Living with memories is much harder than taking one decisive step and stopping tormenting yourself. Moreover, when you meet a new man, he is unlikely to want to see this house, where the walls themselves are saturated with the spirit of the past.
- Organize a support group. It can be one or two friends (girlfriends) who will support you with a kind word and simply by their presence. Important: do not spend a lot of time talking with friends who are married. They will most likely not be able to understand you, and will inadvertently make you feel even worse. The ideal option is to communicate with those who are also divorced.
- Get involved in activities that will boost your self-esteem. You can run a half marathon, go on a journey. Sign up for interesting courses - photography, mountaineering or, say, dancing. Do these things even if you don't want to. Sooner or later it will bear fruit anyway.
- Concentrate on the big picture. Determine what is most important to you in the long term. And do not waste energy on those things that seem significant only now.
"I am free, like a bird in the sky …". What next? 5
The first thing you should agree with yourself about in advance is about those restrictions that should not be violated. The fact is that after parting, the temptation to go all the way increases. And this often leads to even greater disappointment. So that violation of “all the rules” does not lead to emptiness and depression, think in advance about what you will allow yourself to do, and what - under no circumstances.
Another important point. After a breakup, don't surround yourself with weak-willed complaining girlfriends who will push you back into your old relationship. There are women who are used to living with their tyrants and manipulators; listening to them is like death.
Also exclude from your society desperate daredevil girls who will whirl you in a string of adventures and trips to nightclubs. There is also little healthy in their influence.
If you stick to your own pre-established rules, you will not lose yourself after the divorce. On the contrary, you will start a qualitatively new life.
To change yourself means to change your future6
It is worth remembering that like always attracts like. This rule is postulated by psychologists and confirmed by practice. More than once you, too, could see such a situation: a girl divorces her cheating husband or an alcoholic. And six months later, he finds himself exactly the same copy - if not worse.
What does this mean? Psychologists are convinced that we meet a partner with mirror qualities. So the folk wisdom about two boots that are a pair is not fiction at all. But at the same time, it is not enough to see your contribution to the relationship (although for many girls this is the comprehension of Zen in relationships). It is also important to realize your own shortcomings, to work on transforming them into advantages, if this was not done in a relationship with your (already ex) husband. Otherwise, according to the law of similarity, you will attract exactly the same monster with which you fought such a long and bloody battle.
Divorce should be an expression of your wisdom in life, inner harmony and balance. If the separation occurs on a negative note, it is unlikely that after that it will be possible to create a relationship filled with understanding and love.