Table of contents:
Knowing how to identify and defend against manipulation is a powerful psychological tool. It allows you to stay away from unpleasant people, prevents the accumulation of traumatic experiences, and also helps you build comfortable relationships.
The content of the article
- 1 Rule of reciprocity
- 2 "Return of debt" as a method of pressure
- 3 How to protect yourself?
Reciprocity rule i
Basically, manipulations are carried out in the context of reciprocal feedback between partners. Give and take are important aspects of any relationship; and in particular, you should pay attention to them at the first stages of acquaintance. In essence, any mutual relationship means the readiness of each person to return in some form those services and benefits that he received from another. This rule allows you to protect the "giver" from being used for selfish purposes. And this factor also motivates people to invest in relationships even more. In other words, the "exchange" of relations between people works flawlessly.
"Payback" as a way of pressure 2
The described rule of reciprocity allows you to receive a lot of power to the person who gives. The recipient of the gift - even if it is about some modest thing - becomes socially obliged to compensate for the generosity shown. If a person does not fulfill this unspoken obligation, then usually it is not out of malice - for example, he does not yet have the opportunity to "give away".
However, there are donors who then use their investment as leverage to force the indebted person to repay the debt; and then make him invest more and more. The gift turns into a poisoned apple, which the evil old woman, pretending to be virtuous, tries to maliciously hand over to the defenseless Snow White.
A manipulative donor usually follows one of the following algorithms:
- In return, he asks the partner for what the partner does not want to give.
- Doesn't say what exactly he needs in return.
- Gives something to a partner, and then parasitizes on a sense of duty.
Both parties must have a clear idea of what they can offer each other even before the "deal" is made. Instead, however, usually people simply give each other a gift and then benefit from it.
How do you protect yourself? 3
There are several tricks you can use to protect yourself from dishonesty.
- Do not take if you are not ready to give. In childhood, our parents taught us "not to take candy from unknown uncles"; in adulthood, little has changed - except that the scale of this "candy". So if you are not ready to respond to the bounties and favors of a new partner, then the best strategy is to refuse them.
- You should never manipulate in return. Manipulators, being sophisticated in this regard, feel it well. And in the end, they drive their partner into a trap, believing that reciprocal manipulation fully justifies their actions. Better to just say no to this gift.
- Clarify the intention of the donor. Normal conversation is enough for this. If you are not sure what the motivation of the person who gave you a car or a gold ring is, just ask about it. And do not hesitate to ask a question about what a person would like to receive in return for this gift. Maybe it's a marriage proposal; maybe about a loyal and devoted relationship. These are usually the motives of honest people. But it is possible that for his gift a new acquaintance will want to limit your freedom in the most drastic way - so that no amount of gold will make you happy.
Give on your own terms. Remember that you do not have to repay the “debt” exactly what your partner asks for. For example, a man can give a girl a gorgeous bouquet of roses and a teddy bear, and in return for this, count on sex with her (interestingly, some have even lower bar - they think they can “buy” a girl for a chocolate bar). Our heroine should not shake things up: after all, nowhere is it written that the payback must be sex. You can just give your boyfriend a plate of homemade cookies. Sometimes even an ordinary note with the word "Thank you!" able to do her job. Well, if after a gift a feeling of guilt arises, it is quite possible that this gift should be returned to the donor and not tortured yourself
So, giving is part of a normal love relationship. But when it becomes manipulative it is better not to accept gifts. As popular wisdom says, if you want - give, but after not measles.